Who am I?

I’m no one special. I am also incredibly special. I’m no more important than you or any other person, animal or plant.

My Past

I was born in 1981, to missionary parents but I could never find God. I knew what God was supposed to be and tried for many, many years to hear God, to see God, to feel God or find God in church but nothing happened.

So Instead I turned my focus to art, to developing my intuition, to psychology /philosophy and to discovering within my human experience. I became very interested in consciousness, in what made us different from animals, in the unconscious, in the varying, oscillating levels of awareness in my body and mind. I was also interested in Oneness (the infinite point before the big bang) for I longed for no separation and to feel a sense of Oneness, of wholeness once again.

On the inside, I was very unhappy. I was constantly afraid, angry, judgmental and often rage filled at everything I perceived as the external problem, myself included. I was existentially depressed. I was in therapy, on medication and I read many books but nothing I did ever helped in substantial ways or created any lasting happiness.

I became very good at wearing a mask, a list of rotating masks, to fit outward conditions. I tried to manage and control myself and the world around me. I numbed with tv, food, people, materialism, ambitions and alcohol. I was never able to be fully present for long, at ease or comfortable around people. I believed this was because of trauma (which, like many of us, I have also experienced.)

The longer I lived in this unease and deep fear, the more hopeless I became. No amount of “success”, attention, or material object could fill this emptiness.

This “Dark night”, that had begun around age of 6, continued year after year. Until one day, something happened.

Reconnecting

It was a regular afternoon, around 4pm, on a Thursday, early Spring. Something in me stopped. And from the stillness a Knowing arose in and all around me. I knew completely, more than I’d ever known anything, that everything was going to be okay, more than okay, from now on and that my life was about to change.

Since that day I’ve been directed by this Knowing, which I came to discover is another name for God, in big and small ways. I have experienced so, so much since then (more on that later) I’m incredibly grateful.

I am in no way perfect or seeking enlightenment. That’s of no interest to me. I am on a journey like you.

Where I am currently.
Currently I live what might be called a monastic, contemplative life in the Hudson Valley. I’m married and have a puppy, kitten and two cats and a garden that I love.

My focus
To open up my personal practice to others. I see a space developing where other searchers, like myself, can meet together to deepen into that vast place, that is sometimes called God.